Saturday, 18 February 2012

Truth Is Bitter

                             Please play the song before you start my blog !

I don’t know how I ended to this piece of paper. I don’t know if this is true or not but the feeling it has stirred on me is true and painful. It hurts and will keep hurting till my life. This piece of paper is so full of pain that I was scared to share and I’m sure it gives no one a pleasant feeling after reading this piece of paper. I’m a man and  man aren’t supposed to be sentimental but I’m sharing a thought  and compelling people to think of  the subject I’m going to raise instead of being sentimental. One of my friends told me, “A real man raise the issues but a boy try to hide the issue”. That line was inspiring to me .The so called our “toughness” of man results the negligence and results problems in our life. This problems sometimes results crime either illegally or most inhumanly.
I'm not an exceptional guy because I’ve been raised by the way you were raised. I grew up the way you have been grown up but my thoughts started to linger where I could see a problem. Couple of years ago I was in a serious relationship with this woman, whom I had shared my dream of being together  but later realized that that dream was vacant and we two were really selfish. We broke up for the best.  I was a hypocrite and so was she. We dreamt a dream where there was no place for our old parents. That feeling still terrifies me. This piece of paper exactly brought me that same feeling when I was feeling more guilty than heartbroken.  I don’t think I’m the only one to have this kind of dream. How many of you dreamt a dream with your girlfriend with your old parents in it? If you are honest to yourself, only a few did.
You can't see the pain in my laughter ! Do you ?
We are always busy thinking about our weekend plans and night out and dating. We can chat for hours with our friend on the internet but we don’t seem to have a single second to talk to our old parents (includes granny). Few years back I was really sensible to these things as I had my old granny in my own house.  She was the one to make me feel special in the whole family.  She chose me instead of other 25 grandchildren. I was also special to her but I didn’t bribe her to create such feeling neither did I serve her 24/7. What I did was just a humanly act. I gave her my few minutes to listen her talks and stories that made her day and her face would shine like that of moon. I’m not lying. If you haven’t seen a moon on your granny’s face than try once.  You will see the brightest smile in your life. Those lining on his/ her face, will reflect the happiest memories of his/her youth. Their wrinkled eye bags hold the mystery of their life which they want to share to their children. But we don’t have times. We have becomes the slaves of the technology and gadgets. Our true joys been engulfed by these materialistic world.
Come on ! i'm not Old to Play Computer!
They are not asking us more, they want our happiness and so they won’t bother you with their problems. You have to look for it. We are so foolish that we forget that one day we will be old. The stream we leap on a jump today will be hard to cross even with a bridge. We are real idiots to forget these small things. Just think what we expect when we get old and do the same to your old ones, they will be praying to god for having you. My granny told me when one get old the cycles starts again. Old people start to behave like an infant and dies on the same process. I never understood her but today I can get slightest view of her saying. Once we get old our heart becomes as delicate like of infants, so as our body to disease and climate. Strength tends to be like of infant. That’s the stage where you will feel more pain of the words that hurts you. At this stage you know all the meanings but you are so weak to control your emotions.  Infants tend to be luckier in this case because they can be hurt easily they don’t know why they been hurt and forgets everything soon but it’s different to old people.
i wonder if i could give this smile at his age!
I have spent quite a lot of times with the old people and haven’t regretted a single moment nor have the feeling that I wasted my time. Their serenity always inspired me and wondered how they manage to keep it permanently. I remember everything about my grandmother, her boldness to hide her pain and her smile to fake her wellbeing. These things haunt me. May be I was not old enough to see things in depth.  I remember her temper on me when I was fighting for her because she didn’t want people to mislead.  How could my granny who was so illiterate could have so much wide thinking? We boast of our certificate but certificates are illusory to give birth of false seen of achievement. We are trying to measure our life’s success by our certificates and grades which is shallow because at the end your life’s success is measured by the happiest moment you had and shared with your loved ones.
I’m not barking like a stray dogs but I’m roaring like a lion to let our self-know how foolish we are behaving to ourselves. At the end, no one can resist aging and death. Death timing is a mystery to everyone. That’s the point where god became fair to everyone.  We are ourselves parents and some of us are on the way to parenthood but few only can escapes from this stage. Should I tag them as lucky or unlucky?? I’m just confused. They can tag themselves. 
How developed your thoughts might be?  How strong, educated, independent you might be? You start to bend towards dependence at your old age. None imagine their old life in Care home or hospital or anywhere being apart from their family. That would be the worst nightmare if they have to. They would cry with greatest pain of their life. You won’t be able to make it later. If you aren’t able to serve them just let them stay with their loved ones. Hate in this stage can only be one sided and it’s from our side. They want to stay with their loved ones because they see their past on their new innocent children. They see their dream being accomplished in real. Though how badly they manage to survive with their loved ones they tend to smile with the sense of achievement and pride of being cared. Finally they want to take their last breathe with their loved ones around them with a smile on their face. Death was always a mystery to me. In this case it was more mysterious. My granny sought me before her last breathe as I was away from home for my education. After finally seeing me and holding my hand she took her last breathe but one thing remained always a mystery. She was pointing towards the ceiling with her finger ….but haven’t been able to find its meaning till now. Whenever I remember her and that moment, it gives me a kind of feeling that she wanted to share something with me when I was away. I regret it but I can’t bring that moment.
You can join me !
If you don’t plant anything, it’s your foolishness to expect a tree. It’s same on parenting a child; child is like a barren land. Whatever you plant on him/her, it grows with the same fruit on him/ her. If we raise our child with the sense of responsibility that we expect from them when we grow old you should be doing the same to your parents. We don’t have to create a separate plan for our old parents we just need to give a space on our day to day life. Like, let our children teach their grannies to play video games or teach them video chat with their loved ones.  You will see never forget their grin on their face and creates a strong bond in our family. The dreams we are dreaming with our children were the same dream they dreamt with us.
But the reality is something else.  We are so much in love with the outer world, we are hollow from inside. Our life is like a pumped balloon which looks so colourful but don’t hold the true happiness and freshness of our lives. We are too obsessed with the materialistic happiness. We think of presenting our kids with PSP instead of spending time with them. So we work day and night to fill these needs and at the end up being a “ballooned parents”. But when kids tend to mature, the time spent with them help to shape their future and behaviour not the gift we had presented to them though how hard we might have worked to buy it.
So, for me getting into relationship doesn’t mean the shortest happiness I can see with my girlfriend. I look to the horizon if I can create my world with her that’s where it helps me to differentiate between lust and love.  Saying “I love you” in every conversation seems to be the most difficult things in my relationship because that’s simply telling a lie and being hypocrite.  Just think about what you promise and about the word I love you. You won’t resent if you give it a thought. I don’t tell you to go deeper but don’t make it too shallow so the world might laugh on you. Think before you blabber. And yeah when it comes speaking with the old people dump your anger and bad words in the permanent bin not in the recycle in
“For your present I gave my past!!!! “
Bless me

Sunday, 12 February 2012

Confession of my “Strange Disease” (First Confession)

Here I’m writing my first blog. To be honest, I don’t know why I’m writing but one thing I know is that my heart is happy to write. People write with their minds but here I’m writing with my heart and the ink of my heart is quite deep and dark.
I might sound funny and odd, you might think that I ‘m creating a scene for my blog but I have vowed to write truth and starts with the truth. The reason behind my writing is my “strange Disease”. The disease which has no cure and I know I would be living with that disease throughout my life. I called it a disease because it makes me suffer, gives a pain to my heart and mind. It’s like a migraine to my mind and a feeble heartache to my heart.  To be honest I really didn’t like to write nor did I want to study and glare at books. I thought books were tiny compared to nature. The world was a great book for me and still is. I might sound plain but that that’s how I feel and to be honest I used to call fool who used to lose their life in books. But today my hate became only the cure to my disease and I’m embracing with grace!!!
It started when I was still an innocent boy and hadn’t known the world better. But then there was my granny to listen me. By the end of high school, I suffered a great tragedy I lost my cure, I lost my granny. I became numb but then my “strange disease” started to rise. Sometimes I felt that it would engulf my life. I started to lose my moment. I tried to indulge myself in games and work but neither did they work. There was this feeling of dissatisfaction and the feeling in my heart that I was missing something important from my life. I feel like my soul was oscillating and my minds was sin trauma.
The problem was that I couldn't stop thinking about people, life, problems and surroundings. It would be normal if it was rare but thoughts started to come though I was working my mind or I was engaged in something. This was being hindrance to my normal life. My mind and heart was piling up with thoughts. I was lost on my own. Teachers, friends said I kindda looked lost. I was afraid that they would laugh at me if I shared the truth .The creation of thoughts didn't let me off so easily. The biggest problem was that I wasn't sure what I was missing.
My life was dwelling between normality and abnormality. The world seemed as a squeezed lemon. So distressed I was that couldn't even sleep peacefully. I would wake up in the midnight, frightened and find myself struggling to breathe. With my every heartbeat thoughts and ideas started to pile up about everything I could think and see around me. I couldn't stop thinking and playing with thoughts. I was afraid of the thoughts being piled up and effect that they gonna cause to my mental state. I was looking for a bin where I can bin my thoughts. I thought they were just useless thoughts but at some point I found that it was giving me a new dimension to think about my life and world.
I was in desperately seeking solution for my sickness. But one night I woke up and started to write about the thought that was fighting in in my dream .I wrote in unconsciousness because I couldn't recall what I wrote about. But suddenly the feeling of being cured came and I had a good sleep that night after a long time .Dream was one of the horrible things I had because it would be scary and blurry dreams. I thought that I would start to write about everything going in my mind so that they won't end up piling in my brains .I finally started to write about everything, when my mind would be in trauma and my heart felt it's not in ease. Writing cured my illness temporarily. Though it cured but still hated to write because every piece of my writings was the outcome of vigorous mental fight. I hate to go through and write but after all, I could feel self-satisfaction at the end of every piece of my writing.  I hated the fact that I have to write while I’m travelling, while I’m doing something, the fact my mind has to go through lots of mental war. But still felt relieved because there might be some reason behind that feeling.  I decided to write and post in public and this is how I ended up posting my first blog. There is no reason to blog but it’ only hope to my “strange disease”. A blank paper is like a sleeping pill to me after I fill it with my thoughts .I read the first book at the age of 17. It was great and really helped me. I felt in love with its scent which dragged me to the library. That’s how my life changed with the change in my thoughts and attitude.
 I’d like to share everything with people ...listen and read their ideas, views and share mine too. Here I’m doing the first confession about my life.    You can feel free to share anything on my blog post. Hope we would be able to create a destiny with our own words. Helping hands can help you to make life better and create a better world for yourself and others.
Wish me good luck

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